Hello. I am Dan Eastman

Simon Birch Alternate Universe

Last night I was briefly discussing this scene of Simon Birch with internet phenomenon Rob Fee (@robfee). This isn’t uncommon for me. I talk to people like this all the time. Celebrities love me. Rob said that the Ashley Judd baseball scene is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things caught on film. And he’s right. But I began thinking there may have been some foul play at work here. And I don’t mean “foul” in the baseball sense of the word. So I wrote this alternate take on the scene:

It a sweltering summer day. Coach Higgins has had enough. As an easy out to end the game and just go home, he puts in the hilariously deformed Simon. Just look at Simon, he’s got itty bitty baby arms! There’s no way he’ll hit the ball. “Ah, that first cold one once I get home,” Coach Higgins daydreams to himself.

“Come on, Simon. Swing away!”
“Yessir!”

After standing there for like an idiot Simon swings and CRACK! The ball takes off flying through the air. Here comes the beautiful Ashley Judd walking in slow motion. Come on, Ashley Judd! Walk like a human! But oh no, too late. The ball connect with her slow head and she goes down.

The crowd gathers around her lifeless body. Coach Higgins bolts through, checks her pulse, and with such finality says “She’s dead. Sorry.” Whoa whoa whoa, Coach. There’s no blood. It didn’t even make that loud of a noise. There’s no way that killed her. Just ask YouTube.com’s ‘ottodevil12’: “…WTF i wouldnt die from that >:/ sucky movie! her skull must be made of cotton!” 

I call bullshit, Coach Higgins. I think you just want to go home.

“Uhh, I’m okay guys. I feel a little dizzy tho—” Ashley Judd stammers, awake.
“No, you’re dead. You’re dead! I wanna go home!” Oh my god, Coach Higgins, where did you get that pillow!? You get off of Ashley Judd, she’s a pretty lady!

AND SCENE.