Hello. I am Dan Eastman

That Time I Got Sun Disease

It was getting dark and the sand wasn’t hot anymore. She was carrying her sandals. I had made things uncomfortable, as usual. It was like how my parents used to tell me that if I wanted to cry they’d give me something to cry about. Only in this case it was awkward silence rather than tears. She told me we were leading two totally different lives and that things would be back to normal after the long weekend. And then I said something offensive.

She walked down the beach away from me. I don’t know where she thought she was going. I had the hotel key. She was going to dance. She’d asked me early but I said I don’t dance. I told her I’d rather side on the sidelines and ridicule the people who do. I remember thinking, in my drunken and stoned stupor, that she danced like a crippled person.

I wasn’t the type she usually went for and she wasn’t about to start now. I started to wonder if when that guy offered us cocaine or marijuana, maybe I should have taken the cocaine? I had never been cool. I’m not the type to just let go. Later that night we got drunk and forgot about all that. Mostly it was because I accidentally knocked her off the pool deck and she broke her ankle. Now she was crippled for real.

The next morning I woke up in pain. It was a hangover unlike any I’ve had before. I looked in the mirror and it wasn’t a hangover at all. My face was falling off. It was covered in blisters, some ruptured, enormous mounds of skin hanging off. They were all over my body. I could feel the heat from outside creeping into the room already. I checked the clock: 7am. The ship was leaving at 8:30.

She was asleep. I threw on my black hoodie.

“Wake up! We’ve got to go.”

Nothing.

“I said wake up! It’s time to go! Get up, God damn it!”

She shot up and saw my face. She looked frightened. My stomach turned and I headed for the bathroom. She never asked if I was okay. I suppose it was obvious what I was. It was horrible. I should have worn sunblock but no, had to be the tough guy. I had to be macho and brave the Bahamian sun.

I rented a cabin on the ship. I couldn’t afford it but I just wanted to sleep the entire way. I ignored her for the cruise. She got drunk. I ran to the car as soon as we docked. I yelled at her to get in. And then I ignored her some more. I didn’t sleep. I just drove. 1,608 miles from Fort Lauderdale to the cold weather of Watertown, New York. At one point she attempted to change the CD.

“No. Take that out. We’re not listening to Buckcherry. I don’t know whose car you think this is but I’m not that dude who listens to Buckcherry and takes pictures of sluts at parties. Do I look like that dude?” I asked. She didn’t look at me or answer because I looked like Freddy Krueger and the sun poisoning was driving me insane.

I had to pull over several times to shit or vomit or both but we eventually made it back. I help all of her stuff out onto the sidewalk and took off. I saw her dragging the suitcases into her house, limping because her ankle had swollen like a baseball.

A week later I called her to learn that her ankle was going to be just fine. It wasn’t broken but she couldn’t walk on it for a couple of weeks. I was happy for that but we never really spoke again. I wasn’t really upset over that either. The sun had changed me. Plus she liked Buckcherry so good riddance.