Hello. I am Dan Eastman

Comically Critiquing Crazy Courtney’s Creepy Christmas Tweets from the Comfort of my Cozy Couch

By now we’re all aware of how strange Courtney Stodden’s Twitter feed is. By now we’re all aware of how strange her entire life is. She’s a 17 year old “recording artist” who resembles a 47 year old Hustler model married to a 51 year old D-list actor whose greatest accomplishment is Courtney Stodden. On her Twitter feed Courtney posts what she calls “poetry”. I don’t think it’s quite that. I don’t follow her and I’m not entirely familiar with her exploits. I’ve only seen a few of her tweets and I think I get it. Here I am going to break down some of her holiday themed tweets. Again, she is 17.

Basically, the message I’m getting out of this is she digs old dudes. We’ve established that already, Courtney. Beards are in right now but I was under the impression that “fun bags” meant boobs and also, when featured on the male torso, can be a real turn off for ladies.

Well, yeah. He does that at everyone’s house. It’s sort of his thing. Not trying to crash the party or anything but don’t go thinking you’re special. Okay?

A little more than just creamy cookies? Pie? Creamy cookie pie? Way to go the extra mile, Court. Wait just a minute! Is this an innuendo!? You’re talking about your vagina. That’s sick.

Magic alignment of the roads? People glazing their homes with frosting? This is a fantasy. Probably another innuendo too. They’re all innuendos aren’t they? You’re talking about homes covered in human ejaculate, aren’t you? Yes. That’s what you want me to think. You want people to think you’re being sexy, don’t you? You want us to all feel like filthy perverted criminals, right? Well, not me. I think you just took the longest route to say there’s snow on the ground.

You just got a Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks and those things do leave a sort of stickiness on the lips. I know because I had one this evening. Look, normally I don’t even go to Starbucks but I had a gift card. Frostbite is common during winter and very serious. One of the more common areas affected are the fingers. Obviously, and unfortunately, this isn’t your case. Probably because you’re overprivileged and you live in Los Angeles. You’ve never even encountered frostbite have you? Not outside of a book or movie you haven’t. You don’t know pain. You just sit out there in your Hollywood castle and write your “poetry” that everyone who’s taken an English class knows is just “alliteration”. You enjoy everything you have in Fantasyland with your old man Doug and his old man Doug dick. See? Alliteration. Enjoy a life far from the real world. Enjoy a life far from frostbite.