Hello. I am Dan Eastman

How to be Totally Punk Rock and Have NSA Sex With the System

You’re telling me you wanna be punk rock? That’s your first mistake. If you were really punk rock you wouldn’t be able to tell me anything because your mouth would be full of cigarettes at all times. AMERICAN SPIRIT cigarettes because you don’t have any money. That’s punk rock. And if anyone tries to tell you it’s unhealthy you tell them too bad. You are now punk rock and health is unimportant to you. You welcome death into your home so you can beat it’s ass on your own terms.

No one should be telling you these things anyway. They should be too threatened by your “Telling me that smoking is hazardous to my health is hazardous to your health” t-shirt that you should always be wearing. GOLDEN RULE: Do not light the cigarettes. It’s for the look. Just bite it. No one wants to walk around smelling like a nasty old cigarette.

Another great way to be totally rebellious is to walk around flexing your muscles at a girl and offer to let her kiss the muscles later. But get this, when she actually tries it, don’t let her kiss them. This actually works as your simple run of the mill practical joke too. You can also try it on men!

Do not live life according to the background music you’re imagining unless Henry Rollins is screaming it. But not Danzig. Misfits are okay but not Danzig. That guy is such a diva. Instead, live as if you’re being followed by professional wrestling commentators and you are about to stomp a mud hole in someone’s ass and walk it dry. Just like Stone Cold did in 1997. Remember 1997? On second thought, just live as if someone is following you.

Here’s something I found effective recently. I was doing a stand-up comedy show and I wore my WU-TANG CLAN t-shirt on stage. Ballsy move, I know. Someone actually yelled out “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” And this was in Philadelphia so you know they’re yellers. So I was all “And neither am I!” And then “Attitude” by The Misfits played and I drank a 5-Hour Energy. Totally shut him down. Oh my god, you should’ve seen it. It was so cool.