February 2012
20 posts
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This isn't funny. Don't read it.
It must have been around ’89, back when Ken and Frank were still young and they both thought they were invincible. Their young families would take winter trips out to the backwoods of Pamelia and stay at Frank’s cabin. We were hours from anywhere. They’d go hunting for deer until really late at night when it was impossible to see anything. If they caught anything they’d bring it back and skin it...
Anonymous asked: I don't have a lot of cash, but I love comedy. So I get most of my live entertainment from open mics. I'm not a performer, but I love going to these shows because they're generally entertaining and free. Whenever you show up at one, I want my money back.
Anonymous asked: How can someone have been doing comedy as long as you have without learning absolutely anything? Your twitter reads like an Uncle John's Bathroom book.
chelseaelle asked: Were you born this tough or did a life on the mean streets of Philadelphia make you this way? Also, which gang are you aligned with and what did you write in your cover letter to them? Asking for a friend.
samcmontgomery asked: Are you a dog person or a cat person or a cuddling in bed with a horse person?
juliadavidovich asked: boxers or boxers?
Anonymous asked: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Anonymous asked: Black people.
emppalp asked: You seem overwhelmingly pensive in your avatar. What are you thinking about? It's tits right? It's gotta be.
Anonymous asked: boners
Anonymous asked: Your writing is hilarious. Did you start out writing comedy and then decided to do stand up or did you start writing because of your interest in doing stand up.
Hi. You can literally ask me anything with this. →
I feel like I haven’t been connecting with people as well as I could be. This seems like the best way.
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Rick Santorum Looking Stupid →
I may or may not be responsible for this. Sorry!
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Simon Birch Alternate Universe
Last night I was briefly discussing this scene of Simon Birch with internet phenomenon Rob Fee (@robfee). This isn’t uncommon for me. I talk to people like this all the time. Celebrities love me. Rob said that the Ashley Judd baseball scene is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things caught on film. And he’s right. But I began thinking there may have been some foul play at...
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It's All Happening...
“On the fifth day of the second month, when heroes and countrymen meet giants face to face, the mother will shed her flesh at halftime in apparent wardrobe malfunction and reveal herself to be a Terminator. And the earth shall tremble as it is devoured by Her. Despite relatively high ratings the performance will be panned by critics and viewers alike.”
-Nostradamus “Madonna...
A Recently Deceased Man's Letter to His Widow →
I wrote this a while back. It is about love and never getting to say everything you wish you could say. Maybe it is still funny?
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January 2012
14 posts
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Hey fellas, can we stop using comedy as a veil for our sexism? Women shouldn’t have to feel guilty for their gender. Oh, I’m not saying don’t be edgy. I wouldn’t try to stop you from being edgy! But if you have to resort to “so I raped her!” or “why abortions gotta be so expensive!?” go away. Just leave. Think about your life. Maybe read a few books...
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“Look, I don’t know Jerry Sandusky. I can’t vouch for him. Maybe...”
– Daniel Eastman
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So Long, SOPA...
As an overweight asthmatic kid I was never picked for sports. Instead, I went home to comic books and video games. Alone. I devoured music and movies. Too much was never enough. Pop culture was a drug to me. You can image my joy when we got the internet at home. Later on, I never fit in at my day jobs. While everyone couldn’t wait to go home and drink beers watching whatever sport was on...
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My Super-Scathing Humorous Yelp review of CLEAR...
I sure wish I could swear on Yelp! I mean, I probably could if I wanted to ditch professionalism. But look, I’ve really got to rip into Clear internet here people. Hope you’re buckled up because here comes a scathing review! First, there is absolutely zero customer service which I will reference periodically throughtout this story. Every time I had to call their customer service line,...
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TODAY IS YOUR DAY! GET MOTIVATED! GET DEDICATED!
Come on, people, let’s do it. This is our time. It’s time to do it. Here it is: the first day of the rest of our lives! Let’s MAKE THINGS HAPPEN! BOILER ROOM style, baby! BOILER ROOM! Always Be Closing! YEAH! Sell sell $ell!!! We are the masters of our own destiny! Do it. Do it. DO IT. You know what they say, anyone who says money can’t buy happiness… it’s their...
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01/12/2012: A Weird Day
I woke up early around 9am with anticipation of the show eating away at my gut. I was anxious but not nervous. I was prepared. I’d gone over my material several times and then some. It was the second time I’d be opening for Dave Hill. After falling flat a year ago, I practiced harder and pushed myself to be funnier. I could not have been more ready.
Around 11:30am, I receive a...
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http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/2012/01/comedy-spotlig... →
I just want to check with you guys, are you as okay with this as I am?
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Dead Men Tell No Tales (I don't know what that...
A lone tear rolls down Rick Santorum’s cheek. His lips tremble. Rain patters on the roof of the garage. “I’m sorry,” Kevin Spacey says, looking confused. “You’ve got the wrong idea.” A gunshot echoes throughout the house…
A couple of disenfranchised teenagers, failed by American education, stumble across the body. “Cool.” One of the...
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December 2011
11 posts
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Back in July...
I swore to myself I’d post at least twice per week in this blog until the end of the year. I did it. I did it as a way to prove (to myself) that I could provide constant output and to always be writing. What happened, in most weeks, was that I ended up with more than two posts per week. A lot of those posts were very long. A lot of people probably didn’t read them because they were so...
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That Time I Got Sun Disease
It was getting dark and the sand wasn’t hot anymore. She was carrying her sandals. I had made things uncomfortable, as usual. It was like how my parents used to tell me that if I wanted to cry they’d give me something to cry about. Only in this case it was awkward silence rather than tears. She told me we were leading two totally different lives and that things would be back to normal...
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My Favorite Tweets of 2011
Everyone is putting together their year-end Twitter lists. Here are my favorite 10 tweets of 2011. Enjoy!
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Great job everyone! See you next year!
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Notes of a Holiday Survivor
It’s hard to believe it’s been fifteen years already. Fifteen years since mom died. I was pretty young then but I can still remember saying goodbye before she left for that fateful trip to the store. Dad left when she was pregnant so she was just doing what she could do get by and support us. It was Christmas Eve of 1996 when she left for a last minute run to Wal-Mart to get me a Tickle Me Elmo...
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I wouldn’t say I’m a tech geek or anything but I know a thing or two. Take my boss for instance. He’s a little older, like 46, so he knows a lot less. Compared to him I am a total nerd. It’s really great for me. Sometimes he asks me to complete complex tasks for him that only I know how to do, like create a specialized Pandora playlist of various Christmas artists. Like...
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When I was back home in the rural town of Watertown, NY, home of the pine tree Car Freshener, we had just three radio stations. One was an top 40 station with a forever changing name, one was a country station called FROGGY, and the third was a classic rock station. The station was called CIZ93FM. They played a lot of Fleetwood Mac and Journey. After a while, people complained that the name was...
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Gift Car
Today I became very sickly and could not go to tell a comedic story at the Philadelphia Art Museum. So, instead of a video, here is the much longer, more boring text version.
When I think of my father showing love I think of money. Not that he was rich, he exactly wasn’t poor either. In terms of money our family could best be described as “economy-sized”. However, my father had a very low...
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An Excerpt
This Friday there is a good chance I will be spinning a yarn at the historic Museum of Art in Philadelphia. It is a show about gifts. Here is an excerpt of the story I am writing:
Flash forward to age 17. I had worked multiple paper routes to save up and buy my first car entirely in cash: A 1992 Chevy Cavalier. It was an old clunker as most first cars are, but I was excited. However, just four...
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The Theme of the Show is "Worst Christmas Ever"
Often times I will perform comedy on storytelling shows bound by a specific theme. I like working within a theme because it forces me to be more creative. When my friend Jaime asked me to tell a story on the December installment of her showed with the theme “Worst Christmas Ever” my answer was, as always, yes. However, I don’t have any bad Christmas stories. Probably the worst...
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Comically Critiquing Crazy Courtney's Creepy...
By now we’re all aware of how strange Courtney Stodden’s Twitter feed is. By now we’re all aware of how strange her entire life is. She’s a 17 year old “recording artist” who resembles a 47 year old Hustler model married to a 51 year old D-list actor whose greatest accomplishment is Courtney Stodden. On her Twitter feed Courtney posts what she calls...
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January 12th, Prepare Your Ass for a Thrashing
I know I don’t talk openly about my life on this blog very often but…
I AM OPENING FOR DAVE HILL!
Again. I opened for him back in February as well. I couldn’t be more excited about this opportunity. Dave is one of the nicest people alive. For example: My friend and I went to see Diamondsnake open for Reverend Horton Heat in NYC during the spring and he brought us beers from...
November 2011
11 posts
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As I put my arm around her to hold her closer she nestles her head in my side. I feel that familiar warm sensation in my chest. She can sense how alone I am in this world. She’s so at ease I start to believe she may never leave. And I love her for that. Then she gets up and shows me her asshole and walks away because she is a cat.
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How to be Totally Punk Rock and Have NSA Sex With...
You’re telling me you wanna be punk rock? That’s your first mistake. If you were really punk rock you wouldn’t be able to tell me anything because your mouth would be full of cigarettes at all times. AMERICAN SPIRIT cigarettes because you don’t have any money. That’s punk rock. And if anyone tries to tell you it’s unhealthy you tell them too bad. You are now punk rock and health is unimportant to...
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Look out, Omaha!
In the late 70’s it seemed like no band rocked the Omaha punk scene quite like The Bad Boys. As late singer Reggie Greenwald would say, they put the Omaha, Nebraska punk scene on the map. While no one could ever be certain what the end product would be, The Bad Boys were sure to live up to their slogan “Never Good. Always Bad.” Their music and stage shows were disorganized and...